Most people think an erotic sex life is a mere taboo. However, this could be the result of misinterpretation as well as lack of understanding. BDSM doesn’t just mean kinky rough sex; it’s actually an overlapping abbreviation of Bondage and Discipline (BD), Dominance and Submission (DS), and Sadism and Masochism (SM). Dominance is exercised by a figure of authority, usually referred to as a “Master,“ “Sir,” or “Dominant” (Dom for short), whereas a submissive can be represented as a servant or slave, and usually referred to as a “sub.” There are three levels of a submissive: novice, amateur, and expert. These are based off of the amount of experience he or she has in a BDSM. A true submissive serves not because they are forced to but rather because they want to; they truly believe that their Master has their emotional, psychological, and sexual interest in mind when actively participating in consensual activities. However, some people in D/S relationships may not have any physical interaction at all, and in some cases could possibly never even meet. The power exchange in this kind of relationship can be benign and formal, like a police officer performing a strip search of a criminal, or it can take much more intense forms, with elements of emotional abuse or public humiliation. Sadism and masochism is the representation of giving and/or receiving of pleasure through pain. Some of main instruments used in BDSM are whips, chains, and nipple clamps (mental or wooden pinchers that are placed on the nipples to create pain sensation). People who participate in such activities are usually required to have “safe words;” these are words that allow the dominant to acknowledge that their submissive is reaching their limit or has hit their limit in that particular session. Some of the most common words used would be “yellow” as a warning and “red” to indicate that the session must stop immediately. Through the process of becoming an experienced submissive, people can learn core principles, such as: loyalty, obedience, discipline, trust, restraint, and perseverance. By learning these six values, someone could create a basis for ethical thinking, which may perhaps help detect situation where they focus on upholding one value without sacrificing another – when someone is loyal to their friends they may not always tell the truth about their actions (Universal or Core Ethical Values 2002).
The first step of becoming a submissive is to choose a dominant to submit to. This can be done through a series of websites where the user can display their BDSM role, what they are seeking, and their personal kinks and fetishes. The submissive should try to find a dominant that has similar fetishes, as well as has corresponding limits. For example, a submissive that finds pleasure in soft BDSM, like being spanked and choked, should not pair up with a dominant that enjoys using chains and suspending hooks. However, as a novice sub, one should also keep an open mind to what they could possibly enjoy, for with no experience in BDSM, it can be difficult to determine crystal clear limits with certain practices.
The second step to becoming a submissive is pledging his or her allegiance to that dominant. This can be done through a written or verbal agreement in which rules within the relationship are established. This contract normally contains the specification of how the submissive should act, respond, and refer to their master. Through this agreement the lesson on loyalty is established; and through this loyalty the foundation of the D/S relationship is created.
The third step is to learn the lesson of obedience. This lesson is designed to test a sub’s ability to follow orders. For example, when Master tells his sub to brand their self with his name, how far are most people willing to go? As a submissive, questions are not asked and hesitation is counterproductive, so the courtesy for counting to three, just before the black inked tip is applied to their skin, is nonexistent. A sub does not need motivation or incentives to perform tasks that her master has assigned. Why would a submissive do these things for someone they have possibly never met? Well, because obedience is built on top of the sole pleasure of pleasing their master.
The fourth step is to learn what it means to be discipline. Now discipline can have two meanings: a training that develops or improves a skill and to punish or penalize in order to train and control (Dictonary.com). And although both are actively exercised in the relationship, the second definition is the next lesson a sub must be taught if they are to advance to the next level. Discipline can be taught in three different styles: permissive, punitive, and proper. Permissive is a style where the dominant gives multiple opportunities for redirection. Multiple warnings can be considered common; however, too much leniency leads to a style that is respectful, but not firm. It leads to a relaxed structure, but it lacks limits. Another style is punitive; this is where the Dom gives punishments that may be excessive and possibly insulting in delivery (or without any warning/explanation in advance). This style is firm, but not respectful. This specific style could be considered a poor match for a strong-willed submissive. And the last style of discipline is proper. This is a style that relies on: avoiding making things personal, avoiding emotion, giving limited choices, taking action immediately and consistently, and etc. There are no lectures or bargaining, here– simply respect with appropriate actions taken. This style creates less conflict because actions are consistent, they are given choices, and respect is evident (Jon the nudist 2014). After this lesson has been exploited the submissive can now be considered an amateur.
The fifth step in being molded into an experienced submissive is to establish trust and honesty. Now some might say that loyalty and trust is the same thing, but in a BDSM life-style they are two completely different meanings. Loyalty has to deal with devoting ones allegiance to another; trust, on the other hand, has to deal more with communication between the dominate and submissive. An example of the trust in a master from a sub can be displayed by he use of the “safe word.” Say a Dom has all four of his sub’s limbs tied to the wall where they are completely demobilized, and (consensually) he begins to whip the submissive’s back with a metal chain multiple times. If the sub decides to call out their safe word to stop, then it has been communicated that that specific session must stop immediately. Even though the sub is completely helpless to their master at that particular moment, the sub trusts him to stop. Now an example of a master’s trust in a sub can be be displayed when a dealing with long-distance task. For example, say a master has not allowed his submissive to have masturbate in x amount of time. So he allows her to pleasure herself once again, but with the constraint that she must come to the edge of an orgasm 3 times before she is permitted to fully experience an orgasm. Although the master is not there to bare witness and telling a lie over text is not quite difficult for some, the master fully trust his submissive to do as they are told. Trust is built on foundation of obedience and honesty; these are utilized to insure a task is perform in the way the master had instructed, as well as, to insure a trustworthy report from the sub of the completion of the task.
The sixth step is to learn the lesson of restraint. No, not that act of bondage, but rather the mental game of being able to have self-control in the most strenuous situations. Chastity is a great way of intensifying the power of exchange. A submissive loves nothing more then sexually satisfying Master; however, if sex is removed from the picture then the real mental struggle can really test a submissive. For example, as a dominant can command that there is to be no sex for 30 days, now this can seems effortless at first. But say the master’s testosterone/ pheromone levels are elevated one day and he or she decides to pin their submissive up against a wall and start to kiss them from the right side of their neck, down the center of their chest, past the stomach, and just ever so slightly pull down their pants with his teeth. Then the desire for sexual pleasure becomes overbearing. However, those who are able to push through the torture, sometimes, can even find pleasure in chastity. “It’s a kind of low-grade sexual high that permeates every hour of every day,” says amateur submissive SpanishRed. “Trying to work and function like a normal person feeling like that is like trying to live your entire life through a clever and evil predicament bondage set up” (2015).
The final step in order to receive the honorary title of an “expert submissive” is to gain the ability to push oneself. Although perseverance sounds like a simple workout norm, the ability to break through mental and physically boundaries in a BDSM life-style supersedes that of a simple muscle workout. This step is last because it can be considered the most demanding due to the mass amount of experimentation with the human body. As a submissive in a BDSM relationship, self-motivation means to withstand an increased level of pain to please Master. This can mean going from a leather belt to metal nipple clamps, or upgrading from being tied down to the headboard of a bed, to being suspended by their feet from the ceiling with their hands tied behind their back. This is all about breaking though old limits to create new ones. In this step a submissive must trust her Dom that he will precede with caution and they must exercise restraint by holding off to call out safe words until they truly are unable to withstand any more. This step can be considered an on going development, however it is the ability to go out into open waters that separates an amateur submissive from an expert.
Society can be quick to judge a BDSM life-style. Nevertheless, after learning the process of becoming an expert submissive, people can better understand that, like in any other relationship, a D/S bond is based off of core values. A submissive must undergo this process to better please their master, just like a solider must learn key leadership skills to better his company. It is all about creating a foundation of core values to define and shape a culture and environment.
Work Cited
Jon the Nudist. “How To Properly Discipline Your Sub.” You Only Wetter.
Screams of Pleasure, 10 Jan. 2014. Web. 19 Sept. 2015. <http://youonlywetter.co.uk/blog/2014/01/10/how-to-properly-discipline-your-sub-by-mister_emm/>.
SpanishRed. “The Only Thing Hotter than Perfect Sex Is No Sex.” Web log post.
TheOchreMuse. WordPress, 6 Sept. 2015. Web. 19 Sept. 2015. <https://theochremuse.wordpress.com/2015/09/06/the-only-thing-hotter-than-perfect-sex-is-no-sex/>.
“Universal or Core Ethical Values.” Holistic Education Network. Josephson Institute of
Ethics, 04 Aug. 2002. Web. 18 Sept. 2015. <http://www.hent.org/world/rss/files/ethics/ethics_values.htm>.
“What Is BDSM?” What Is BDSM. Worpress, n.d. Web. 14 Sept. 2015.
I Submit to BDSM 
I got an 86% on my essay due to grammatical errors 😦
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