Do you remember when you were a teenager and you felt the need to masturbate all the time? A time, where if you didn’t cum you might lash out at everyone? And because you were young this was something “normal”. That going through puberty with all the hormones racing through our body, that somehow it was okay to be mad at the world. So just jerk off or play with a toy to find balance again.
What about when you are older? When you touch yourself every day to still get that shot of dopamine. Well, now you have become a what?… an addict? See I have learned that humans are very habitual creatures. Anything can become an addiction. And being the type-A person that I am, my mind goes ballistic if something happens out of routine. Cumming is one of them. Sometimes it’s when I wake up to start my day with a rush of energy or a sincere smile. Sometimes when after a long day, and I want to find that tranquil peace that happens after cumming next to my teddy bear. And so what if I am addicted to cumming ;P . At least (for the most part) it’s with myself. I’m not sleeping with every person who wants their dick sucked. Which trust me, in college, there is a lot of them.
However, I found that now being on winter break, I have lost that desire to masturbate. Loss the desire to be touched. Loss the desire to sexually pleasure someone else. Without school, my body doesn’t know what to do. You see, type-A personality means there is always something for me to do. Typically something to do that my future self will thank me for. My body is so used to being in constant survival mode, especially with pursuing an engineering degree. There is always homework, projects, long-term reports, organizational meetings, applying for internships and scholarships, and working on my research lab duties… the list goes on and on. But I have found that if I can’t go 110mph, then I will only go about 5mph. And to perform sexual pleasure I need the motivation and drive of at least 35-85mph (the higher range if for more kinkier self-pleasure sessions).
Who am I?
I have turned into this isolated hermit who only leaves the room to get food. I stay in bed all day. I shut the black-out curtains and watch Netflix all day. And people who know my usual 110mph personally would say this is good. That is what relaxing looks like. But this is not relaxing for me. This is laziness mixed in with a sprinkle of nocturnalism. This is self-isolation. I use to be this empowered woman who loved her body and loved conversing with guys in my classes. Who could crack a “he said, she said” joke to just about anything. Who would masturbate in front of the mirror because she enjoyed seeing true pleasure. Not that crap you see in porn. A woman who would walk out of here room every day as if she was ready to take on the world. Where did she go? After final exams, she disappeared.
I am a submissive. I am a Little/ Babygirl. This is part of my identity. I have not had a Dom or Master in some time, but that doesn’t make me any less part of the BDSM community. I still strive to self educate myself in the different realms of BDSM. I have even made kink a continued conversation topic in my house. I enjoy sharing my knowledge and my sex stories with my roommates. However, when I talk about these stories, or if you read any other blog post, you will see that I have a dark sex goddess that lives within me. She drives my sexual desires and control who, what, when, where and how I should act on them. But I have rung the doorbell and no one has answered in some time. She has no desire to be disturbed from her cozy bed. I fear she may never awaken. Along with my sexual desires and self-motivation. Without my goddess within, I have lost part of who I am.
It is a new year… but I am not liking the new me so far. Maybe when the alarm of school goes off, she will finally awake.
I Submit to BDSM 